sooo i'm a girl when it's funny and also a boy when it's funny but really a girl but also i'm nothing at all to the point of feeling like an object. i'm butch and masc(ish) but i grew up thinking i was a girly girl because i like dolls and sparkles and dress up, and it was kinda fun to be a girly girl child in the 2000s. in reality i was always tomboyish with my scrappy fighter's nature and less girly clothing choices compared to my sisters and running around outside being gross a lot. i chased and fought the boys in my elementary school class for sport and often volunteered to be the husband or the prince in make-believe games. i did not feel like a real girl from age 8 at the latest, i can so clearly remember the moment when i fully realized i was different in this way: i was in the bathroom at school in 3rd grade and watching the three most popular girls in my class chat and primp in the mirror as i washed my hands and the strongest feeling hit me that i could not be the same as them, at a more visceral level than our social status. from there i just felt like i was bad at being a girl until i realized i didn't have to. even then, it took me half a decade to figure out conveying how i felt inside to the rest of the world. the troubled teen school situation forced me into late bloomership in many areas of my life, including my personal taste in fashion and being able to choose what i actually wanted to look like. we were often uniformed, not allowed to have and wear many popular items of clothing, banned from dramatic or gender-nonconforming haircuts and unnatural colors; and without space to experiment at the right time, i spent my adolescence confusing what i'm attracted to and interested in seeing in fashion in general with how i wanted to present and ended up looking a lot more fem than i wanted to or am comfortable being seen as. those lines did not fully uncross for me until my mid-twenties. i've been on t since jan '23 but i don't identify with transmasc as a label and weirdly i feel more aligned and comfortable with womanhood than ever while continuing to be on t because it has gone well for my body. i like being big and hairy and deep voiced. i think i've reached a state of true androgyny. my goal was to confuse strangers in public and i sure do that now. i pass in online gamer spaces and it's so awesome, i never knew such peace when my voice was much higher pitched. it's also good for my physical issues, some are worsened with the menstrual cycle and related hormone surges which have been put to dormancy, plus the extra energy, and muscle growth to support my large joints better. i still like having boobs (and even wish they were bigger) and i don't think i'd like the results/reality of any bottom surgery so i'm just doing hormones. if i could press a button and wake up with a completely typical swapped set of genitalia, would i? sure, maybe. i'm stone and also afraid of being pregnant. it might simply be the logical choice if offered, at least sexually, but i think it would be kinda annoying day to day. can i press it again at leisure? that sounds nice. however, i am for sure not a man and have never identified as one. i just don't really like being regarded as a woman by most strangers or men in general. i call myself a guy and a dude because i'm from southern california and those are semi-neutral here. i definitely present masc-of-center but my hair is long, i keep my nails short but painted and sparkly, my clothes are garish and bright and i buy from both sections, it's more about fit than the label to me. i don't really care what pronouns people use anymore, neutral is better but it's more amusing to see what people assume and try to guess in my head why they assumed as such. really i would probably prefer no pronouns! none of them feel right, but i also have a weird thing about hearing my name too often, so that's not something that works for me lol. since my late teens i've identified as genderless, not aligned with any of it, even the term agender feels too gendered to me, but after i sorted out my sexuality i mostly just identify with lesbianism. i still feel a tether to womanhood and i'm only attracted to women so i get to be a dyke. yay <3 i identify as butch but i'm a little fruity limp wrist faggy about it. i love the social role and history and culture (and femmes), but i still feel rather 'girly' with my interests and manner of speaking and my funky outfits. i am a little insecure about not being masc enough or fitting the butch archetype better but i have tried and i can't deny my flamboyant nature! oh well. that's why i'm on t.

tl;dr i'm a dyke and also autistic