sooo i'm a girl when it's funny and also a boy when it's funny but really a girl but also i'm nothing at all to the point of feeling like an object. i'm butch and masc(ish) but i grew up thinking i was a girly girl because i like dolls and sparkles and dress up, and it was kinda fun to be a girly girl in the 2000s. in reality i was always tomboyish with my scrappy fighters nature and less girly clothing choices compared to my sisters and running around outside being gross a lot. i did not feel like a real girl from age 8 at the latest, i can so clearly remember the moment when i fully realized i was different in this way. every phase i went through that i had been expressing femininely, it was almost purely for attention, whether online or at school, and it worked and i hated it actually lol. i've been on t since jan '23 but i don't really like identifying as transmasc as a label and weirdly i feel more aligned with womanhood than ever while continuing to be on t because it has gone well for my body. i like being big and hairy and deep voiced. i think i've reached a state of true androgyny. my goal was to confuse strangers in public and i sure do that now. i pass in online gamer spaces and it's awesome, i never knew such peace when i sounded like a girl. it's also good for my physical issues, some are worsened with the menstrual cycle and related hormone surges which have been put to dormancy, plus the extra energy, and muscle growth to support my large joints better. i still like having boobs (and wish they were bigger) and i don't think i'd like the results/reality of any bottom surgery so i'm just doing hormones. if i could wake up with a completely typical swapped set of genitalia, would i? sure, maybe. i'm stone and also afraid of being pregnant. it might simply be the logical choice if offered, at least sexually, but i think it would be kinda annoying day to day. however, i am for sure not a man and have never identified as one. i just like the social role a lot more than i like the woman one. i call myself a guy and a dude because i'm from southern california and those are semi-neutral here. i don't correct most people when they use he/him on me because it means i've passed and i guess i would prefer that over she/her. she/her makes my skin crawl. they/them honestly has always felt off but i'm accustomed to it after 10 years out. i've always liked it/its but most people irl do not want to call me it... i understand and settle for they but i like the implications. the absence of it all. since my late teens i've identified as genderless, not aligned with any of it. even the term agender feels too gendered to me. but after i sorted out my sexuality i mostly just identify with lesbianism. i still feel a tether to womanhood and i'm only attracted to women so i get to be a dyke. i identify as butch but i'm a little fruity limp wrist faggy about it. i love the social role and history and culture (and femmes), but i'm usually emulating gay masculinity over straight, or at least emulating very fashionable men. when i go to the cool artsy parts of the city, all the men are dressed like me. i am a little insecure about not being masc enough or fitting the butch archetype better but i have tried and i can't deny my flamboyant nature! oh well. tl;dr i'm a dyke and also autistic